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music |
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lil wayne - wayne on me |
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there is something empowering about stepping out the next day (especially on a freak fall monday of seventy degrees) in a clean, freeing outfit - that day after you broke. and the new weezy mixtape. my hair is the shortest its been since i was what, seven? losing all that self-consciousness, that worry about looking so pretty. i admit i am envious of the long hair i see. i miss the old me, i always do. but i'm ready to slap on a fitted cap and become a boy for a little. just pull a bunch of tricks out from under, make everyone turn.
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| even though we have to say goodbye keep me in mind |
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mood |
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the finality of an end |
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music |
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bon iver |
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and so there i was, standing in his doorway, hand clutching the knob: grateful for only darkness. i did not want to look at him. my voice, shrill, the alcohol stunning it dramatic. and i knew i had gone too far this time. we wouldn't recoil, drained, and wrap ourselves together and block out the truth -- those sad truths. we were once so weak so melancholy so cured (for only seven hours, until the sun came up). and i know now that it is better. eyes open, finally. i returned for one last sleep shoulder to shoulder, restless as all hell. his hands tentatively on my thigh, quiet, we said goodbye thirteen months ago for good. i hold my breath. he is oblivious.
would you really rush out for me now
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| this is what is happening |
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i upset a boy because i had to do my homework. he acts like i'm leaving him all high and dry, like it's the last time he will ever see me in his life, like maybe, i owe him something. i don't. i eat his adderall and take the presents he gives me in a little bag. the perks of consorting with petty drug dealers. there are also downsides but i keep him at a distance and i call him when i want. i have my way with him, not really keeping his heart in mind (if that's even in the picture) -- i feel like once they hurt me i never forget.
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